Genesis 1-3 Genesis 1-3 Genesis 1-3 Genesis 1-3 Genesis 1-3

Genesis 1-3

The Sweaty Jesus Bible

Before there was salt there was sweat and before the sweat there was His Moistness, the Sweaty Divine.

He first created the Oasis, the moistened Heavens of his succulent divinity. Beneath it he created the Earth of his own perspiration and he did fill it with his moisture and it was good. Of the moisture, He brought firmament to the sweatted seas, bidding His salt to become of the land.

On the land He bore of His salt the grasses, the shrubberies, the taller bushes and of the salt they grew and their seeds did nestle in the salt. Of his moisture came the fishes and of his flesh came the beasts and insects of the Earth and lo they did sweat and their sweat was good. Then His Divine Moisture realized that his creatures were living in darkness so did he create the light to divide the darkness and shine off his now glistening brow. And wipe his brow he did as his work was tiring but not yet finished.

Of the drops He did wipe from his divine forehead did man form. In the drops of sweat to the salt they did crystallize to be man, formed in the image of the creator whose sacred drops fell so gracefully to bestow sweat where once there had been but salt.

Of the man He divided out men and women and told of them, "Go forth, take thine sweat to the beasts and the plants and show them you carry my moisture and they will in turn be of yours to use and make use of."

"In the drops of sweat to the salt they did crystallize to be man"

Lo did the man and woman give thanks for the divine guidance showered upon them in their moistened state and tend they did to the many animals and plants of the world. And as they did sweat His Saintly Saturation did come to them and bid them, "Take this sweat, multiply and divide this sweat to leave this world awash in its sheen. Dry not thine brow but instead let it fall to the ground, ear, and eyes of the parched so that they too may be saturated with my grace. Do this in my name."

Thusly they two did begin to cultivate the Garden Eden in which they had been formed, spreading their wetness, dampening the earth with the grease of their efforts. And His Sopping Saintliness did tell of them the trees and fruits that were free for them to eat. But stern was his warning for the Tree of Desiccants for he wished to moisten their ears to the dangers of its fruits. Heed His wet warnings they did and long their days were. Hard they did work and off all of their body they did distribute their sweat and copious it was for they were sweaty and knew no shame.

The serpent was clever and the dryest of the creatures. He said to woman, "Did the Wet One really say you must not touch the fruit of that tree? He welcomed you to all others, why not that one?" The woman said to the serpent, "He said that we must not touch it or we will die." "You will not certainly die," the serpent replied. "God knows that when you eat from the tree your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing both wet and dry."

"Have you eaten from the driest tree that I commanded you to not?"

When the woman saw that the tree was dry and that the dryness was pleasing to the skin and also good for feathering the hair she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were sweaty; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings to mop up the sweat.

Then the man and his wife heard the Immaculate Moisture approach and they hid themselves from his Divine Drips among the trees of the garden. The Moist Maestro called to them, "Where are you?" They answered, "We heard you in the garden and we saw that we were sweaty so we hid." and he said, "Who told you that you were sweaty? Have you eaten from the driest tree that I commanded you to not?" The woman stood forth and his Succulence asked, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me and I ate."

So the Almighty said to the serpent,

"Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you shall not sweat again! You will eat dust all the days of your life, and water shall be your bane! I will put enmity between you and the woman and between your offspring and hers; he will drown you in his saline and you will strike his heel."

To the woman he said,

"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; only with painful labor you will give birth to sweaty children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

To the man he said,

"Because you were a coward and did not confess your own sins" "Cursed and dry is the ground because of you; through painful toil will you sweat as you remember sweating as you once did. From what little sweat you will drop thorns and thistles will reach up as your reward and you will eat the plants of the field. By this sweat you will eat your food until you return to the ground since from it you were taken; for dust you are now and to dust you will return."

"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe"

Adam was then named as the sweat originator, and Eve because she would become mother of all things, sweaty and not.

The Heavenly Muculence made them garments of great soaking power and clothed them saying "The man has now become one of us, both dry and wet. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and bathe in the fountain of sweat and be moist, and live forever." So the Providential Perspirator banished them from the Garden of Eden to work what sweat they could. After He drove the man and woman out, he placed to guard the Garden of Eden cherubim and a gushing sword to guard the fountain of life.