It came one day the Lord looked upon man and the earth as She had made them, and She said, “Man is not prepared for this creation, earth. My son, Nuclear Jesus comes soon to visit them, but they have prepared no facilities to protect themselves or their families. I repent that I have made them in ignorance.”
But Noah was not a total Pollyanna in the eyes of the Lord. Noah was a man with an Every Day Carry and a healthy suspicion of the machinations of the Federal Reserve; Noah prepped with God.
And Noah begot three sons: Tactical, Ordinance, and Ballistics.
And God said unto Noah,
“The earth is soft and unprepared. They have failed to pack their bug-out bags. They have stockpiled shake-weights and electronic S’mores makers and ultrasonic jewelry cleaners. You must be prepared, for behold, my radioactive heir returns to share his alpha, beta, and gamma ways with your family.
Make thee a bunker of steel and lead; rooms shalt thou make in the bunker, and shalt cover it within and without with radiation-absorbing materials.
And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: the length of the bunker shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the depth of it thirty cubits below the surface of the earth.
And of every dried grain and legume, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the bunker.
Of bottled water after their kind, and of protein bar after their kind, and every canned thing of the earth, two of every sort shall come unto thy shelves to keep them safe so they may keep you alive.
And take thou unto thee of all MREs, shelf-stable macaronis, and hard cheeses of all kinds with expiration dates not less than two years; and it shall be food for thee and thy family.
For behold, I welcome my irradiated offspring to judge the living and the dead; and everything that is not inside this bunker shall die. “
Thus did Noah point to his bunker whose concrete had already dried and whose doors were not less than one foot thick; he showed God the canned goods he had collected and the tons of rice and beans placed on their shelves and God was pleased.
And in the forty-fifth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, did the Lord come saying, “My atomic progeny comes this way on wings of fiery judgement. The time has come; you and your family must shelter in the bunker.”
So entered Noah, and Tactical and Ordinance and Ballistics and the whole of Noah’s family with them, into the bunker as God had commanded; and the Lord did shut the bunker’s door with its leaden radioactive protection and firmly locking cylinders.
And there was a great blast when Nuclear Jesus did come, spreading his thermonuclear word in loud, booming tones; and for forty days did he lecture the earth with his bombastic teachings and the concrete of the walls below did shake; but Noah’s construction was solid and the bunker did hold.
And lo could they hear the fissile word of Nuclear Jesus, as he claimed the booty pop buyers, and the wearers of the sauna pants, and those who harbored the shiatsu back massagers. And they in the bunker knew that only Noah remained alive, and they that were with him.
And in the silence of the next hundred and fifty days, many witnessed the feats of Noah, as he demonstrated his impeccable cleanliness, judicious food management, and his alphanumeric prowess. And none could best Noah in Parcheesi, for he had trained many years with the CIA.
And God remembered Noah, and all the Family that were with him in the bunker; and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and she caused the radioactive fallout to begin to decay.
And it came to pass at the end of forty days more, that Noah knew the fallout was nearly gone. And he sent forth a frog, to see if the fallout had abated; but in the residual neutronic fury of Nuclear Jesus the frog melted.
And so Noah stayed yet another seven days, and he sent forth the other frog out of the bunker. And the frog came in to him in the evening, and lo, she had grown a third eye; so Noah knew that the fallout was not yet abated from off the earth.
And so Noah, with only irradiated frogs to test the fallout, did wait another fourteen days just to be really sure that death did not wait in the world that remained above.
And it came to pass in the forty-fifth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, Noah opened the leaden door of the bunker and climbed upward, and beheld the unworthy. All around the charred wasteland did Noah see the underprepared; the scorched vaccine-users, the singed government stooges, the crisped fiat-currency idolaters, the enviro-hypocrites incinerated in their Priuses; and Noah did see them suffer for they did not prepare as he.
And God spoke unto Noah, saying,
“Bring with thee every remaining scrap of food, all unopened water and matches, each living thing that is thy family, that they may inbreed abundantly, and be fruitful and multiply upon the earth.”
And Noah went forth, and built an altar unto the Lord, and offered burnt offerings of the Margaritaville Margarita Machines, the massage recliners, the hover helmets, and all the fasco-capitalist detritus of the non-believers.
And the Lord smelled a sweet savor; and the Lord said in Her heart, “I will never again curse the land any more for man’s sake, though the machinations of his economics are evil from his youth; neither will my son smite any more every thing living, as he has done.
While the earth remaineth, egg-planting and six-legged harvest, and frigid cold and scorching heat, and inferno-like summers and the ice-planet winter, and day and night shall not be terribly different but they shall not cease.
